A Why Me flashback

I've been working through the issues stemming from my sexual assault. I must admit that even if the legalities of the situation seem a little lax the support available for assaulted women is very helpful. I decided as part of my healing process that I would get enrolled in a self defense course designed specifically for dealing with situations like sexual assault. I realized two things as a result of taking this course. One, as a former Taekwondo student, I knew the moves and then some, but hadn't put them together in a coherent real life scenario. So the self defense course was very illuminating. Secondly, I learned much to my surprise how deep my emotional scars from my assault really run. As part of the training, you engage in "real-life" simulations. During the last of the simulations, I was emotionally overwhelmed by the simulation. In my minds eye that simulation morphed into the night of my sexual assault and the volunteer aggressors became those men. I passed the physical part of the simulation, my responses and self defense was coherent and quickly executed. What I did poorly was internalizing the simulation. In my case, the simulation was all too real. At the end of the activity I really lost my composure, I ran out of the class, throwing off my safety gear as I fled, I was shaking and crying in the corner in a separate room adjacent to the training gym. I'm also very thankful for the women instructors who have a keen eye for this sort of simulation outcome. The woman who came to check on me must have had experience with other women whose trauma scars get the better of them. Her words helped me to gain my composure and she let me be okay with processing my feelings after the simulation. I didn't realize that I signed up for this course without informing my sexual assault counselor. She did comment on my participation in the course and said that she expected my reaction to the course would be overwhelming and that I was not ready for this type of activity. In hindsight agree with her, I think working through your emotions should take top priority, and in my case I got lured into a false sense of "feeling" like you've healed more in regards to the assault than you have actually healed. If I were to do this again, I would have waited a little longer to take the self defense course. I know I'm fortunate to have supportive friends and some family to talk to as I work through this. What I do want to say is that taking the Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) course is well worth the experience because it gives you very useful information and practical experience trying to implement it. I wonder if I had taken this class earlier in life and continued to get refresher courses how might that night have turned out for me? I can't focus on the what ifs of that night, but I do know that when I am a mom I will have my daughters take this course before they go out into the world on their own.