Tired or Tired of being 'effectively' Single

I've gone though emotional turmoil that has served to highlight how much is missing in my personal life. What is strange is that after realizing what is missing, the needs are still un-addressed . I saw a blog entry, which just made me start to cry. It wasn't out of pity for the author as much as it was that the blog sounds like I could have written it. I've moved to try and advance my career so I suppose its my fault for not just settling, and either being a house wife or have only limited job satisfaction. You see that statement is so not what I believe even though members of my own family site my ambition as the source of my situation. Well, yes and no... Why do I have pick either relationship or career. What's so wrong with expecting to find someone who will value me and support me in my life's ambitions. If you've read any of my other limited blog entries you'll see that there has been some pretty tough stuff in my life. Well, that tough stuff really played the role as catalyst to realize what I have been missing. Now, I'm on the brink of a divorce which in reality doesn't feel as threatening as one may think. What hurts is that I've poured myself into this relationship and its drained me. I thought when you pour your heart and soul into a relationship it makes you a stronger person, richer and more vibrant. Right now, I don't care, it makes me feel ashamed to not care. I understand my spouse couldn't be who I needed for a long time. I'm not ignorant of all that has happened, but seeking counselling now for me feels like 'A dollar short and a day late.". To make matters worse all I hear is that I've found someone else, really in my experience this means that the other person has found someone else and can't confess to that fact. I found myself this weekend shocked, that I meet someone who a first glance seemed so much like what I wanted in a person. Then I got to talk to him, and he just seemed to have the qualities that I wanted. Their the qualities I used to be exposed to by my spouse. He has the right balance of nerdy funny, sensitive, and caring. What I also know is that I'd have a better chance to sneek a snowball into Hell than I ever would to be anything more to him that an acquaintence. I also don't feel as guilty about these feelings as I thought I might. It isn't that I no longer love my partner/spouse, I still do, but I'm not getting what I need in that relationship anymore. Or at least in the current form of a relationship that we have. I can't be effectively single, but responsible for both ends of the long distance relationship. In nearly four years apart, we've spent less than a month together in the state that I live and work in. A few of my friends actually thought I made up being married as a cover to avoid dating etc. I'm stuck in a situation I don't want, but I also don't know how to improve it. I could try to just be selfish and cavalier. I could just seek out a new partner, but it isn't exactly what I feel like right now. For me my current relationship feels far to damaged to repair, but I also don't want to let go. I want it back, but I'm not foolish, I don't think I'll ever have it back. Now, I've just been exposed to a person that seems to be just like the person I once had. Funny thing I feel something around him in the pit of my stomach. Except, my current dark mood and well depression since my assault have left me unable to work up any courage to at least see what might happen. He impressed me so much, I think having him as a best friend would be great. So am I actually more afraid of being officially alone or is it really just fatigue from 'effective' single life.

A Why Me flashback

I've been working through the issues stemming from my sexual assault. I must admit that even if the legalities of the situation seem a little lax the support available for assaulted women is very helpful. I decided as part of my healing process that I would get enrolled in a self defense course designed specifically for dealing with situations like sexual assault. I realized two things as a result of taking this course. One, as a former Taekwondo student, I knew the moves and then some, but hadn't put them together in a coherent real life scenario. So the self defense course was very illuminating. Secondly, I learned much to my surprise how deep my emotional scars from my assault really run. As part of the training, you engage in "real-life" simulations. During the last of the simulations, I was emotionally overwhelmed by the simulation. In my minds eye that simulation morphed into the night of my sexual assault and the volunteer aggressors became those men. I passed the physical part of the simulation, my responses and self defense was coherent and quickly executed. What I did poorly was internalizing the simulation. In my case, the simulation was all too real. At the end of the activity I really lost my composure, I ran out of the class, throwing off my safety gear as I fled, I was shaking and crying in the corner in a separate room adjacent to the training gym. I'm also very thankful for the women instructors who have a keen eye for this sort of simulation outcome. The woman who came to check on me must have had experience with other women whose trauma scars get the better of them. Her words helped me to gain my composure and she let me be okay with processing my feelings after the simulation. I didn't realize that I signed up for this course without informing my sexual assault counselor. She did comment on my participation in the course and said that she expected my reaction to the course would be overwhelming and that I was not ready for this type of activity. In hindsight agree with her, I think working through your emotions should take top priority, and in my case I got lured into a false sense of "feeling" like you've healed more in regards to the assault than you have actually healed. If I were to do this again, I would have waited a little longer to take the self defense course. I know I'm fortunate to have supportive friends and some family to talk to as I work through this. What I do want to say is that taking the Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) course is well worth the experience because it gives you very useful information and practical experience trying to implement it. I wonder if I had taken this class earlier in life and continued to get refresher courses how might that night have turned out for me? I can't focus on the what ifs of that night, but I do know that when I am a mom I will have my daughters take this course before they go out into the world on their own.

Diesel Femme vs Barbie

Ah, really? What happens when a bisexual Diesel Femme goes against a
plastic Barbie coyote ugly chick. Well, in my case what happens is we
end up with me just irritated! I don't get it, so lets start out
with I was on the prowl for some boy this weekend. I was in the mood
for some harmless fun. Instead I run into a Coyote Barbie, who won't
play with me but doesn't let her boy and I flirt harmlessly either?
Really what gives? This chick was hot, I'll be the first to admit it
but I could tell that she was plastic, not that I would call that bad,
but I think for all of cosmetic enhancements she wasn't happy with
herself. I gleaned this from our conversation as we drank. It didn't
take her long to force her way into the center of attention. I love
my fair share of bar top dancing, but if you run off down the bar
dancing and your partner flirts with me, well I'm not shutting that
down. I'm not hot, but then again I don't care. I'm cute, I'm a dyke
and I really can sport my persona with some confidence. I've been in
a confidence rut as of late, but I guess it is true. Sexiness is 90%
confidence. While I wish I was hotter, I wouldn't want to be anyone but
me. Too bad, that girl is hurting her relationship with her apparent
self perception issues. Just sometimes its nice to get an ego boost
without the drama. Just sometimes, a little bi buys you more drama
than you thought...

Why me?

I've always considered myself a fountain of strength and self reliance. Not any longer. I've read all the statistics, but it still feels like I'm the only one it has happened too. I've often believed that healing starts with admitting what it is that has caused pain, trouble etc. For me really admitting how I feel now is impossible. I guess starting with venting on the internet is one way to begin the healing process. What really gets me is the simple pleasantry, "How are you doing?" from acquantences etc. What really cuts to the core is when someone senses that I'm heavily troubled and they ask. What I can't admit in the real world because of my shame, is that I was victim of sexual assault, I escaped my own potential rape. In a way I should be happy that I managed to escape my assaulters/potential captors. In my women's support group I'm heralded for keeping my cool and managing to get away. If I really had my wits about me it would have never happened. The entire ordeal is still overwhelming, but at least I'm up and out of bed now. You read the brochures, have your close girlfriends rally around you, and helping you get to the rape crisis center. I can't imagine doing this alone, because even with my close friends trying to help me I felt devastated and alone. I'm now at the week anniversary of this terrible night, and the emotions are beginning to swell again. For no reason, I can feel the hands on my body, I can smell the air around me, and if I dare close my eyes I see the area, those guys around me as if it was happening again. I guess like most memories they will fade in time but sometimes different elements of that night play back in my mind clear as the moment they happened. At the crisis center, you confronted with the truth hidden deep inside us that we didn't bring this on ourselves. Logic fails me when I hear those words, I'm still blaming myself just not as adamently as the first several days after my attack.
Putting the blame aside, this has caused a fundamental shift in my personality. In an irrational tirade, I ended a marriage/relationship of 14 years. Why was I so willing to do this? Of course, my spouse would hear none of it and didn't leave me. Nonetheless, I'm hurting others around me, like my family, specifically my Mom. In that case I managed to shut up before I completely tore her to shreds when she tried to console me and offer up more lady like behavior patterns like not going to night clubs alone. I think all my lashing out is related to how I wish I did/could have lashed out at my assailants. I'm not sure how other women have played this back in their minds, but I'm tortured by some of my decisions. Decisions, I made which were mistakes that luckily were not capitalized on effectively. For instance, I was starting to give in after what felt like an eternity. I was drained emotionally of all my confidence, instead of feeling like a goddess I felt so insignificant and utterly worthless. The adrenaline, must have still been there but I could not longer focus on my defense, my hands and body felt like they were made from lead weights.
I suppose for me the point of clarity is when one of them had his hands on my throat. He let go for whatever reason and I realized I had to get away from them. I knew this the entire time, but when it occurred to me that I could have been easily knocked out via choking and dragged away to their waiting car I bolted. My spouse said they've probably forgotten all about me and that night, and that I should move on and get over this. I'd like to, but I'm finding that processing all of my feelings even feelings which don't seem to be related to the assault is really a shock to my thinking processes. I can logically reason out that I'm not to blame, I can see all my close friends arguments and see how they make sense. What I haven't been able to do is accept those arguments, my emotions have canceled out my sensibilities.
I'm starting my first in a string of counseling sessions this coming week. The 'emergency' counseling and dealing with the police is behind me. What worries me is what lies ahead, will this really change who I am or will I feel like myself again in time? I don't understand my feelings. One source of joy for me is my godchildren, they are like my own boys. But, now their pictures or recent holiday memories trigger a cascade of crying. The strangest part is I can't give you a reason for it. I can't give a reason for any of my behaviors at least not yet. I hope that I'll shed these new behaviors, sooner rather than later. For me being sexually assaulted has influenced all aspects of my life negatively. The assault, has magnified my emotional response beyond reason and in some cases beyond my abilities to contain it. I know that predators exist, I just never thought I'd even have the wool pulled over my eyes so easily. For me I'm looking forward to being my old self again sassy, athletic, nerdy, girly-girl, confident, and a loving wife. One day at a time I guess. I do believe this, contact the police, don't wait, I waited almost two days, and only because I promised my Mom and best friend I'd go did I go. I shouldn't have waited, I think they took me less serious and it only hurt my case. I know I didn't ask for this, but I know I have to deal with this. There is no shame in being the victim... The rational part of me knows this and maybe soon my heart will admit to this also. I'm now beginning the journey to understand my feelings and internalize what has happened...

One warrior goddess to another,
--Cristina

I hope my post makes someone else feel less alone when facing a similar situation...



"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less." -- Marie Curie

Meniscus Blues

Like others, I had a meniscus tear while playing sports. When the tear happened it caught me by complete surprise. The tear happened in such a benign way that I'm taken aback by its severity. I was playing in a muddy rugby match and I slid into the try zone, baseball style. I thought nothing of it but when I got up and began my jog to the 50 meter line, I didn't make it that far. As I ran my knee gave out and I fell to the ground with blinding pain radiating from my right knee. When I finally got to the critical care center, they put me in a leg immobilizer and scheduled me for an MRI. When the news came in I was very shocked. I was diagnosed with two severe radial tears in my lateral meniscus and some chondral fissures. This comes as very sad news to a woman who enjoys being physically active. I have been presented with two choices, I could have surgery, a partial meniscus removal, or I could try to rehabilitate myself. I've tried the latter in order to minimize the early onset of arthritis in my knee, so far it hasn't succeeded like I hoped. I've made some serious progress in the last four weeks, but my range of motion while is 90% of normal but I can't achieve the same range of motion while trying to bear a load on my knee.
I'm still plagued with the question, 'To operate or not to operate?'. I was hoping for a better solution that cutting out my precious cartilage. I think that technology and the FDA have finally delivered that solution. There exists a meniscus implant that acts as a biological scaffolding which allows it to become permanently integrated into my existing red meniscus (the part of the meniscus with a vascular system). The company which started marketing this technology as of December of 2008 is Menaflex(www.menaflex.com). My hope is that my insurance provider Blue Cross and Blue Shield, will cover this implant technology. If the implant is covered by insurance then I will truly have a useful surgical alternative. Assuming I have this alternative the question becomes, "At what phase in life is getting the meniscus implant optimal?". I'm no longer afraid of the question, 'To operate or not to operate?', because now there is the possibility of a real knee repair as opposed to just a symptomatic treatment.
I would prefer to rehabilitate my knee, as I think many athletic minded individuals would like to. What is difficult to understand is the general lack of information regarding the best techniques to rehabilitate a knee suffering from meniscus problems. The meniscus pain seems to be brought on by any torque placed on my knee. I have failed to find a brace which can protect the knee from this type of motion. I am beginning to think no such brace exists, I guess we can't escape basic physics applied to the knee. Is it possible to work a torn meniscus enough to bring back regular pain free function? I have seen two separate orthopedists, one of which says the only solution is surgical, removing 1/3 or more of my meniscus. The second orthopedist advocates rehabilitation to the point of wearing down any meniscus folding(from a small tear) to a smooth meniscus which is functional. I wish medicine was more science than an art, because then maybe the orthopedists' advice would converge to the best solution. I suppose a third opinion is in order, especially from an orthopedist who is familiar with the implant technology. I just hope to get logical, sound advice on my options rather than a sales pitch for the implant.

--The Frustrated Flanker

Jealousy with a large helping of guilt

My mother-in-law(MIL) is going on stroke 3 and has been incapacitated for over a year now. We were very close and I'd like to think that somehow we still are. What has been bothering me for a few months now is some jealousy I feel because my spouse dedicates about 95% of her time to care for her mother. First off, culturally speaking a nursing home was and mostly still is out of the question. Neither of us want to do that. I myself can not contribute like I want to because I've taken a postdoc which has pulled me from my home for the time being. My spouse and MIL can't be moved to my location an they shouldn't be because my postdoctoral appointment is a temporary one. This means I get far less time with my spouse that I think is healthy. Hence, when we are together I want to monopolize her time with me, and my MIL, who is still lucid also gets jealous of me. This is proving to be a real problem which reared its head this Christmas vacation. I see all of my in-laws basically ignoring their mother outright, and my spouse shouldering the burden of care and patient advocate almost completely alone. This causes me to experience a huge array of feeling from resentment, jealousy, and despair. Sometimes the feeling are a bit dark and I wonder where they come from. My and my MIL we very close and liked to spend time together, so the darker feelings are scary for me. My wish is everything will get better for my MIL but, the rational scientist in me knows this will never happen. How does one cope with guilt of not supporting your spouse more in their time of need due to career commitments and how do you not let negative feelings spoil your relationship with your incapacitated family member. Especially when their life is so heavily dependent on your spouse for survival.