Why me?

I've always considered myself a fountain of strength and self reliance. Not any longer. I've read all the statistics, but it still feels like I'm the only one it has happened too. I've often believed that healing starts with admitting what it is that has caused pain, trouble etc. For me really admitting how I feel now is impossible. I guess starting with venting on the internet is one way to begin the healing process. What really gets me is the simple pleasantry, "How are you doing?" from acquantences etc. What really cuts to the core is when someone senses that I'm heavily troubled and they ask. What I can't admit in the real world because of my shame, is that I was victim of sexual assault, I escaped my own potential rape. In a way I should be happy that I managed to escape my assaulters/potential captors. In my women's support group I'm heralded for keeping my cool and managing to get away. If I really had my wits about me it would have never happened. The entire ordeal is still overwhelming, but at least I'm up and out of bed now. You read the brochures, have your close girlfriends rally around you, and helping you get to the rape crisis center. I can't imagine doing this alone, because even with my close friends trying to help me I felt devastated and alone. I'm now at the week anniversary of this terrible night, and the emotions are beginning to swell again. For no reason, I can feel the hands on my body, I can smell the air around me, and if I dare close my eyes I see the area, those guys around me as if it was happening again. I guess like most memories they will fade in time but sometimes different elements of that night play back in my mind clear as the moment they happened. At the crisis center, you confronted with the truth hidden deep inside us that we didn't bring this on ourselves. Logic fails me when I hear those words, I'm still blaming myself just not as adamently as the first several days after my attack.
Putting the blame aside, this has caused a fundamental shift in my personality. In an irrational tirade, I ended a marriage/relationship of 14 years. Why was I so willing to do this? Of course, my spouse would hear none of it and didn't leave me. Nonetheless, I'm hurting others around me, like my family, specifically my Mom. In that case I managed to shut up before I completely tore her to shreds when she tried to console me and offer up more lady like behavior patterns like not going to night clubs alone. I think all my lashing out is related to how I wish I did/could have lashed out at my assailants. I'm not sure how other women have played this back in their minds, but I'm tortured by some of my decisions. Decisions, I made which were mistakes that luckily were not capitalized on effectively. For instance, I was starting to give in after what felt like an eternity. I was drained emotionally of all my confidence, instead of feeling like a goddess I felt so insignificant and utterly worthless. The adrenaline, must have still been there but I could not longer focus on my defense, my hands and body felt like they were made from lead weights.
I suppose for me the point of clarity is when one of them had his hands on my throat. He let go for whatever reason and I realized I had to get away from them. I knew this the entire time, but when it occurred to me that I could have been easily knocked out via choking and dragged away to their waiting car I bolted. My spouse said they've probably forgotten all about me and that night, and that I should move on and get over this. I'd like to, but I'm finding that processing all of my feelings even feelings which don't seem to be related to the assault is really a shock to my thinking processes. I can logically reason out that I'm not to blame, I can see all my close friends arguments and see how they make sense. What I haven't been able to do is accept those arguments, my emotions have canceled out my sensibilities.
I'm starting my first in a string of counseling sessions this coming week. The 'emergency' counseling and dealing with the police is behind me. What worries me is what lies ahead, will this really change who I am or will I feel like myself again in time? I don't understand my feelings. One source of joy for me is my godchildren, they are like my own boys. But, now their pictures or recent holiday memories trigger a cascade of crying. The strangest part is I can't give you a reason for it. I can't give a reason for any of my behaviors at least not yet. I hope that I'll shed these new behaviors, sooner rather than later. For me being sexually assaulted has influenced all aspects of my life negatively. The assault, has magnified my emotional response beyond reason and in some cases beyond my abilities to contain it. I know that predators exist, I just never thought I'd even have the wool pulled over my eyes so easily. For me I'm looking forward to being my old self again sassy, athletic, nerdy, girly-girl, confident, and a loving wife. One day at a time I guess. I do believe this, contact the police, don't wait, I waited almost two days, and only because I promised my Mom and best friend I'd go did I go. I shouldn't have waited, I think they took me less serious and it only hurt my case. I know I didn't ask for this, but I know I have to deal with this. There is no shame in being the victim... The rational part of me knows this and maybe soon my heart will admit to this also. I'm now beginning the journey to understand my feelings and internalize what has happened...

One warrior goddess to another,
--Cristina

I hope my post makes someone else feel less alone when facing a similar situation...



"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less." -- Marie Curie